change

I knew when I married Deshawn that my life would change. I just didn't think it would change so fast. The odd thing is that my marriage is not what caused the change it was just the milestone event that everything seemed to revolve around. Loosing Stephen made me feel like I had failed as a mother somehow, but I could always pull myself out of that thinking by realizing that I still had Sean to focus on. The fact of the matter is, Sean is not a little boy he is a young man. That young man is moving out on his own within the month. Now my role is changed. I am no longer the care provider. It will soon be his job to pay bills, fix food and buy clothes. When he is sick it will be his job to take care of himself, not mine. Stephen once told me that he thought I hated being a Mom and that I couldn't wait for them both to be out of my house, he was so wrong in that. The greatest gift I have ever been given is my children. I have never been good at anything in my life, but I know I am a good Mom. Now I have to learn who I am all over again. It is a time of self discovery and that quite honestly scares me to death. The "empty Nest" feeling is overwhelming. I have a great husband and I know that whatever surprises are in store for me he will be there right beside me through it all as he has been for the last 2 years. I'm sure all parents go through this when their children leave home but because Stephen is gone it seems so much darker for me. My boys have always been everything to me, and now I feel as though I have nothing. It hurts me to say that because in reality I am still a Mom, and now I am also a Wife. The hole created by Stephen's death feels like it just got a little bigger. Sean is a smart young man and I know with all my heart that he will be just fine. I also know that if he needs anything he knows where to find me, I will always be there. Times are changing and I am not a big fan of change.