I am trying to keep my head above the water, but my legs are getting tired of treading. I have people tell me that they admire my strength but I wonder how strong am I really. I have gone through a lot of stuff, but who hasn't. I feel like I am all out of strength and that I am not really as strong as everyone thinks I am. In fact I feel very weak, in mind body and spirit today. I am having a hard time in school this semester and that has been my one thing that I could say when I was feeling shitty..."well at least I am doing well in school"...right now I can't say that. There are a lot of things I can't say any more and it is really starting to wear on my soul. Its not just me either, I have some really wonderful people in my life and they all seem to be having issues. Custody battles, lost family members, sickness, and stress, fear and anger seem to be the norm for my family and friends right now. I want so much to be there for all of them and I just can't be. I have so much of my own shit...but when I say that I feel so selfish. I want to go have fun again, I want to smile and laugh, relax and just be...without any pain..physical or emotinal. Is that too much to ask for?
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Treading Water
I am trying to keep my head above the water, but my legs are getting tired of treading. I have people tell me that they admire my strength but I wonder how strong am I really. I have gone through a lot of stuff, but who hasn't. I feel like I am all out of strength and that I am not really as strong as everyone thinks I am. In fact I feel very weak, in mind body and spirit today. I am having a hard time in school this semester and that has been my one thing that I could say when I was feeling shitty..."well at least I am doing well in school"...right now I can't say that. There are a lot of things I can't say any more and it is really starting to wear on my soul. Its not just me either, I have some really wonderful people in my life and they all seem to be having issues. Custody battles, lost family members, sickness, and stress, fear and anger seem to be the norm for my family and friends right now. I want so much to be there for all of them and I just can't be. I have so much of my own shit...but when I say that I feel so selfish. I want to go have fun again, I want to smile and laugh, relax and just be...without any pain..physical or emotinal. Is that too much to ask for?
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2 comments:
these times are hard for us all and i understand that becouse of that big heart of yours you want to help us, but right now the best help for us is for you to work on making you whole. Threr are a great number of people out here that love you
I agree with the ramblings of ross. You can't be concerned with anyone but getting yourself together. Then you can work on the rest of us. I understand the treading water. May I suggest floating for a while. Relax. Breath. Clear your mind. Open your soul to your Higher Power and let Him heal you. Hang in there, twinkletoes. You are loved and many of us care.
Muff
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