I have been feeling a little blue lately. A couple of weekends ago I spent a great weekend at the land and was so happy and positive and then I came home and almost instantly felt overwhelmed,sad and tired all over again.I am tired of going to school but want that degree more than anything. I am not happy with my job, not because of my clients but because of how the facility is run. I love being in the field and doing what it is that I have been trained to do, but it makes it hard to get up and go to work when you have little respect for the people that run the place. I want to move but it is not the best financial decision at the moment. I am blessed to have four best friends that I love so much, but one has seemed to have lost my phone number and forgotten where I live, One is a thousand miles away fighting his own demons, one is gratefully back in my life after a long separation but I fear I am going to lose her all over again and the other I feel like I am leaning so heavly on for support that she is growing tired of me. I am sure that is just my own insecurities, but it is what it is. This week a young man who was a friend of Stephen's took his own life by overdosing on Heroin, I watched my classmates graduate without with me because I can't pass Math, and then ended up in the hospital AGAIN for yet another aliment. I am sick of being sick and tired of being tired! I thought when I got lap band my health problems would get better not worse. Not that I have regrets about my surgery, I am happy with the fact that I am 50+ lbs lighter. I guess I need to look at the positives in my life. It seems that I have to do this readjustment to my thinking about every 6 weeks or so...and that in itself is depressing.
Monday, May 17, 2010
And So it is....
I have been feeling a little blue lately. A couple of weekends ago I spent a great weekend at the land and was so happy and positive and then I came home and almost instantly felt overwhelmed,sad and tired all over again.I am tired of going to school but want that degree more than anything. I am not happy with my job, not because of my clients but because of how the facility is run. I love being in the field and doing what it is that I have been trained to do, but it makes it hard to get up and go to work when you have little respect for the people that run the place. I want to move but it is not the best financial decision at the moment. I am blessed to have four best friends that I love so much, but one has seemed to have lost my phone number and forgotten where I live, One is a thousand miles away fighting his own demons, one is gratefully back in my life after a long separation but I fear I am going to lose her all over again and the other I feel like I am leaning so heavly on for support that she is growing tired of me. I am sure that is just my own insecurities, but it is what it is. This week a young man who was a friend of Stephen's took his own life by overdosing on Heroin, I watched my classmates graduate without with me because I can't pass Math, and then ended up in the hospital AGAIN for yet another aliment. I am sick of being sick and tired of being tired! I thought when I got lap band my health problems would get better not worse. Not that I have regrets about my surgery, I am happy with the fact that I am 50+ lbs lighter. I guess I need to look at the positives in my life. It seems that I have to do this readjustment to my thinking about every 6 weeks or so...and that in itself is depressing.
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Lynn, you have come so far in the time that I have been missing. You are an inspiration and your strength is something I admire. You've been so much worse than this and come to the other side with flying colors! I am very proud of you. As your friend, I see the little things rolling up on you and you getting caught up in the mix. You have taught me more than anyone that we have a choice in life. Yes, there's nothing that can keep the ailments away, but it's how you deal with them that you have control over. I mean really, let's be honest, this isn't the first time you've dealt with being sick. You'll get through it just like you get through other things as well...like a trooper, in your own time. I do not want to belittle your feelings, or tell you that it isn't ok to feel them. I do want to tell you that I will be here to tell a bad joke to put a smile on your face, someone to turn to when you just need to vent, and to be your friend...true friend. You've always been that to me. I love you and I am not going anywhere. I will not choose someone that causes me pain over someone that brings me support, joy and unconditional love ever again. I want to have both, but if it doesn't work that way, well I have to do what is BEST for me. I understand your fears and I can't make them go away, but I can do my part to show you what I say is the truth. The only thing I ask of you is to give me the chance to do that. I love you! Cheer up Charlie!!
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