today

I realized today that it is time for me to get some help dealing with the loss of Stephen. I thought I was functioning fine but I am really not okay. I am angry that my son is gone. I know alot of people that have overdosed including myself that are still here and Stephen is not, and he should be. Stephen was finally getting to a place where he knew what he had to do with his life, he had just gotten a good job, he was skating better than ever, our relationship was mending....and then he was gone. It just seems so wrong! Stephen was not always the easiest person to get along with, truth be told he was some what of an ass, but he had the potential to be a great man, and now the world will never know what might have been and that just pisses me off! I want to know why. I know that is a question that will never be answered for me, but that does not make it go away. I keep thinking that some how Stephen's death was my karma not his, and that guilt is killing me. I feel as though the pain will never go away and that right now it is swallowing me up. I need to know how to get through this. I need help processing all of this. So Monday I am going to call a therapist that deals with grief. I am scared but I know it will help.